


Where Does Confidence Come From?

by ladybloodbath



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol, First Kiss, M/M, Mentioned Luxord (Kingdom Hearts), Mentioned Vexen (Kingdom Hearts), Mentioned Xigbar (Kingdom Hearts), POV Third Person Limited, Parent Vexen (Kingdom Hearts), Pining, References to Depression, Vexen is Xion's dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybloodbath/pseuds/ladybloodbath
Summary: The Organization is falling apart; Xemnas and Saïx reconcile after growing distant.
Relationships: Saïx/Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts)
Kudos: 9





	Where Does Confidence Come From?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Third Person Limited POV!

The Organization was up in arms again. It seemed like every other day became a contest of who could make Xemnas the most upset. Each day he spent screaming at his Organization was another day lost. 

This time, it was Xion. She projected her issues onto Xemnas like no other. She blamed him for everything she hated about herself. Her lack of self-respect, he assumed, was the reason she lashed out so often. Not even her father could control her, so Xemnas viewed her as a lost cause. He usually shrugged her off anyway.

He had other things occupying his mind at such a size that he couldn’t focus on what Xion was screaming at him about. She followed him through the Grey Area and into the hallway, pointing fingers and getting red-faced from the yelling. She had exhausted herself by the time Xemnas reached his room. His lack of reaction made her lose interest - He was too tired to fight back, anyway. He slouched onto his knees by the door, hands covering his face with shame. He couldn't even turn the lights on in his room anymore. There was nothing to see. His mind circled back to the usual.

He and Saïx had become distant recently. It was a shame, because they were closer than most. But it seemed like Saïx wasn’t being completely open with him anymore. He figured it was just a Saïx thing, that he wasn’t open with anyone, not even his Superior. But Xemnas refused to believe it, because he had seen glimpses of Saïx open up before. He’d been able to make him smile, and he was sure he could do it again.

“When was the last time you smiled?” He asked himself.

“I don’t know,” Xemnas admitted out loud. He took to the window for some self-reflection.  
He realized solitude became a habit to him every time a fight broke out in the Organization. Seeking some form of solace, he often thought about how his friends might handle the stress he was feeling. His friend Luxord would drink until he passed out. Xigbar would be able to take it like a champ. He had a way of seeing things in the right perspective, like he had every answer.

Then, Xemnas thought about Saïx. He considered Saïx to be his everything. His secretary, his bodyguard, his boyfriend, his husband. At the moment, though, Saïx felt like a stranger. He realized he didn’t know anything about him. Sometimes, he really liked the mystery. There was a playful sleuth hiding in Xemnas he didn’t like talking about, and it came out all the time when he was around Saïx. But, as time went on, all the digging led nowhere. His curiosity slipped away and he got bored again. It was time he accepted that there wasn’t a mystery. Saïx was his everything, even though he was nothing.

That couldn’t be it, though. After all, he’d seen his genuine smile. Saïx wasn’t some emotionless robot. There was more to him. That’s why Xemnas fell for him in the first place. It wasn’t just the way he looked, right? When he couldn’t find the answer, Xemnas took himself back to when his feelings for Saïx first started to manifest.

The Organization had a bit of a rocky beginning. Most of the members didn’t have the clearest idea of what their goals were supposed to be. Even Xemnas found himself to be a bit lost on what to do, but the few members of the Organization that believed in him kept him going. He took his newfound respect and built a reputation for himself, and felt very proud when it worked. It worked on Saïx especially well. Xemnas found his new role as their leader came naturally to him whenever Saïx was there to back him up. 

He felt ashamed when he looked at himself now. Emotional fury began to take control of him, and now he was alone in his room when he had an entire Organization outside waiting for him to take responsibility. He wondered if he got all of his confidence from Saïx in the first place. He wondered if that’s what made him so desirable.

“And now look at you,” he said in his head, cursing his reflection in the window. “The confidence he gave you. Where has it gone?”

He thought for a moment. “I don’t know if he has any more to give.”

Xemnas left his room and called his Organization to the Grey Area. They had fallen silent when he talked and listened to every word, which he expected not to happen. He said every sentence like he believed in what it meant, which gave him a sense of superiority he hadn’t felt in a long time.. He locked eyes with Saïx amongst them, who he hoped wasn’t judging him, and instead silently cheering him on. It was hard to tell behind his neutral face. When could he see his smile again?

After his speech was over, Xemnas considered turning and leaving to go back to his room and sulk some more. But before he could notice, he started walking towards the Organization that started to disperse into smaller groups, and he stopped in front of Saïx.  
“Hey,” he greeted awkwardly but full of heart, “I think I want to talk to you.”

Saïx nodded slightly to get him to keep talking.

“Alone?” Xemnas finished, and motioned towards the hallway leading to his bedroom door. Saïx considered it for a moment, and then followed him inside.

They stood awkwardly by the door that had just been shut. Xemnas figured it would be easier to talk if he didn’t turn the light back on.

He knew if they stood in silence any longer, Saïx would leave. “So…” He started, “I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately.”

“Okay,” Saïx said.

“I wanted to thank you. For all that you’ve done for me.” He took a deep breath. “I’d lost myself. But I think I’m back. I want to be back, if you’ll accept me.” The line had seemed much more raw in his head.

Saïx looked at the floor. Xemnas figured having such a personal conversation was foreign to him.

“Well, I’m not trying to overwhelm you,” Xemnas continued in a more relaxed manner, “It’s just something I needed to get off my chest. I haven’t felt like a very good leader. I’m trying to take control.”

When Saïx didn’t respond, Xemnas considered getting angry with him. But he thought he might be trying to comprehend everything he was throwing out there. He opened the door to signal that the conversation was over, and Saïx excused himself.

He watched him leave without trying to get him to stay, because he couldn't figure out if that was the point. The entire interaction felt confusing for him. He wasn’t sure if he wasn’t expecting a grand reunion, but he wasn’t expecting complete silence either. Xemnas couldn’t begin to imagine how Saïx was feeling. Or if Saïx even had feelings.

He tried facing his problem the Xemnas way, and didn’t get anywhere. So, he tried the Luxord way by getting shit-faced off of expensive wine. He figured it was time to stop when he could feel his heart beating in his face, and he laid down in bed. His entire body felt like it was on fire. To help him cool down, he looked out the window with blurred vision and saw duplicates of every twinkling star.

He decided to try it the Xigbar way. “Maybe he’s just a tough nut to crack,” He said out loud, and somehow, it put his mind at ease.

\---  
The rest of the month was radio silence from Saïx. It was silence from everyone else as well. He felt relieved to be free of the constant arguing he had gone through from the previous weeks. Nowadays, though, he almost missed it.

Saïx’s smile became a distant memory. The two of them weren’t as close as they used to be, Xemnas didn’t consult him about anything because it felt so awkward. Reading his reports was the closest they were going to be, and he was willing to accept it - but his thoughts were interrupted when someone knocked on his door.

Xemnas peeked at the time. It was just over midnight, and he could save the rest of the reports for something to do tomorrow. Although he’d rather be asleep, there was a second knock at the door, which meant it was probably important. He opened the door and locked eyes with Saïx, which made him feel glad he was awake.

“Sir…” Saïx whispered, perhaps quieter than he intended, “May I come in?”

Xemnas quickly nodded, letting Saïx in and shutting the door behind him. “Is everything okay?”

When Saïx didn’t answer, it felt like it was a month ago again. Although the energy in the room had changed, standing at the door in the silent darkness made Xemnas feel like this could be another waste of time. It became a pleasant surprise when it turned out that Saïx was using the silence to choose his words carefully.

“I miss talking to you.”

Xemnas embarrassed himself with the way his heart released a flood of warmth into his body, already feeling his face get hotter with one sentence. If he didn’t fess up now, he’d regret it forever.

“I miss you as well. The way you make me feel… it’s indescribable…” he laid a hand on Saïx’s shoulder. “You give me the confidence to lead the Organization. To be who I’m supposed to be.” In shame, Xemnas lowered his head to avoid Saïx’s gaze. His eyes opened wide when his forehead came in contact with Saïx’s soft hair, who was much closer to him than he realized. Saïx looked up at him with a warm expression he had never seen on him before.

“You do that on your own, sir,” he said quietly, “but I’m happy to help you.”

Xemnas hadn't even noticed that he was a breath away from him. Saïx closed his eyes and closed the gap, kissing him softly on the lips. He pulled away, but Xemnas still felt him. His legs wavered under the weight of the emotion that suddenly filled his body, his fingers twitched and yearned to touch Saïx more. Xemnas complied and pulled Saïx in closer by his waist, kissing him again but slightly more passionate to give his legs the strength they lost.

It felt like Saïx’s kiss washed over him like a wave, and took Xemnas’s stress into the ocean. With each slight touch of his mouth, a new feeling emerged from his chest, fluttering into his arms which held Saïx tighter. He pulled back for a moment to breathe. Saïx leaned closer and laid his head on Xemnas’s chest, his hands pressed against his beating heart. Xemnas's body relaxed against his, and tenderly embraced him.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?”

“Yes, sir,” Saïx said and smiled, but Xemnas couldn’t see his face.


End file.
